Bow to Your Sensei!

Here is a thorough, but in no way exhaustive, list of things to keep in mind for your next karate class:

1. You shouldn’t warm up on the first day by trying to do the splits between two chairs. You should probably stay away from splits altogether on the first day.
   
2. Don’t whisper, “I think I could take him.” While the instructor is doing a practical demonstration for the whole class.
   
3. The crane kick is NOT indefensible.
   
4. Breaking boards, ice or bricks is not all in the mind and breathing deeply beforehand doesn’t help.
   
5. It’s not polite to yell, “SWEEP THE LEG!” or “Finish Him!” While other students are sparring.
   
6. Wedgies, Nookies, Monkey Bites and Titty-Twisters are all illegal moves, though highly effective.
   
7. You should probably wear something underneath your Gi.
   
8. Screaming in a high pitched voice and quivering after you deliver a deadly blow is frowned upon.
   
9. Backhanding someone in their jiggly-bits and yelling, “Cup Check!” is not appropriate.
   
10. It’s not okay to slap your partner’s tushy, even after a particularly good move.
    
11. Snatching something out of the instructors hand doesn’t make you the new instructor.
    
12. Ambushing other students in the locker room isn’t a good way to keep them sharp.
    
13. Challenging someone to a “cage match” is not an option.
    
14. Vulcan neck pinches just piss people off.
    
15. Using available items like chairs, two-by-fours or trash cans is not seen as innovative.
    
16. Whispering, “I’ll take you to the bank, the blood bank!” doesn’t make you seem tough.
    
17. Tasting your own blood or anybody else’s while sparring can be off putting.
    
18. It turns out that just claiming to be a black belt is not enough.
    
19. Blindfolding yourself and ordering others to strike you is not a good idea.
    
20. And, it’s usually counterproductive to give your opponent one free shot.
    

Backpacks

There is a very real misconception out there and I’d like to take the time to correct it. Backpacks are meant to be worn on your back and not down about your butt. I know…I know it’s confusing, “why would they put such long straps on a backpack if you aren’t suppose to extend them all the way?” But, we’ve seen this kind of mistake before.

For the longest time people didn’t understand what those tiny little loops surrounding the waist band of their pants were for. This unfortunate error led to an entire generation having to wear their pants around their knees and boxer shorts to avoid embarrassment. Fortunately, as our amazing race always does, one bright lad saw the loops and discovered, by slipping a finger through one, he could hold his pants up! This revolutionary adaptation, while limiting dexterity, gave man the use of his legs again. The importance of this evolutionary step, linking modern man to his less mobile cousin of old, cannot be underestimated. Of course, in modern times, we’ve eliminated the problem all together by making men’s pants so tight there is no chance of them ever falling down or even coming off. While this newest develop does limit our ability to procreate, we will never have to wear boxer shorts again! In that regard, country western singers were way ahead of time.

Backpacks are the logical next step, if we don’t want our children calling them asssacks, we’ve got to find a way to tighten those straps. I know it might be uncomfortable at first, but if that brave young man could slip his finger through that loop and pull his pants up for the decency and mobility of all mankind then you can wear your backpack on your back.

Hoping for Change

Well, its official folks, the economy is in the pooper and we’re all doomed to lives of rags and old cabbage. I know it’s depressing but we’ve got to play the cards we’re dealt and keep our chins up. Let’s keep hoping for change, both literally and figuratively, and maybe the change fairy (named Hope coincidently) will dump a whole load of it in our collective back yard. Where we can bag it up and take it to the local Wal-Mart with one of those coin counting machines. You know the ones that count your money and take half of it; but at least you don’t have to count it yourself. Then maybe we can figure out just how much change Hope brought us. Until then, here are some common sense ways you can tighten the old belt strap until that mischievous little sprite arrives:

1.) Develop a color coded, bar-graph-like, warning system to tell you what your current financial situation is. I’m telling you folks, it’s the first thing our government did after 9/11 to warn us about potential terrorist threats and we’ve been perfectly safe ever since. If there’s an impending disaster, it’s better to be prepared. Besides, if you can keep your finances in the yellow to orange region, you should be just fine.

2.) This next one is just plain common sense. If you’re short on money and can’t pay your bills you need to start making more. I mean it, start making more money. Granted, the paper can be a little hard to come by and the holographic images are a bitch, but the payoff is fantastic. You can pretend you don’t have any financial problems indefinitely!


3.) Finally, if one of your investments is bringing down your whole portfolio (oh, I don’t know, let’s just say something in auto industry) you should never just cut your losses. No way! I say throw everything you’ve got at it and if you don’t have anything left, it’s time for an eighth mortgage. You never know, it maybe your money that keeps them afloat. Besides, the more money you give them the more likely they are to get it right in the long run. It’s pretty much a win-win for everybody.

I know it can be tough, but it’s important for us to follow the examples set by our elected officials. Remember, if it’s good enough for America then its good enough for you. In the mean time, don’t give up, keep hoping for Change and changing for Hope.