Confessions of a Hospital Security Guard

There is something to be said for the feeling of polyester covering every square inch of your body; the comforting weight of a grossly oversized flashlight dangling from your side; and the knowledge that you are in no way trained to handle anything remotely resembling an emergency. Yep, being a hospital security guard is a little bit like being a Navy SEAL, without the excitement, exercise or state of the art weapon systems. In fact, if Navy SEAL's spent most of their time sitting in tiny glass booths telling everyone in ear shot about the time they restrained a patient three years ago and eating everything in sight, they would be exactly like hospital security guards. There are thousands of brave men and women out there doing jobs you and I can't even imagine just to break even at the end of the month. And, I'm sure there is a desperation worse than the kind it takes for a grown man to put on an ill fitting uniform, a meaningless badge and a walkie-talkie, but I can't think of it right now.

I know what you're thinking, "What a stupid job! Why would any one want to be a hospital security guard?" But, without security guards, what kind of world would we live in? We'd be over run with snot nosed skateboarding hooligans and a catastrophic oversupply of donuts. Any one could park anywhere they wanted. No one would hassle you about wearing your company name badge; even though you've worked with the company for ten years and know the guard whose hassling you on a first name basis. We wouldn't have such gems as "Try to calm down ma'am!"; "I'm just doing my job."; and "Stop or I'll tell you again!" Chuck Norris would only be known for his Total Gym commercials, Block Buster rentals of Super Troopers would drop by 89%, and martial arts supply stores would have to close their doors forever. You could forget about national security and border control if our parking structures and 7-Elevens are left vulnerable. Yeah, get rid of security guards and the very fabric of society starts to unravel. Chaos, war and disaster would quickly ensue and the Antichrist would make his first appearance as a trespassing teenage pot smoker with an "I (heart) cops" tee shirt and ripped blue jeans.

Okay, maybe the world wouldn't completely fall apart, but you get the point. The truth is, we all have a place in the grand scheme of things; it's just that some of us have missed ours completely.

There are all kinds of security guards on this planet, but hospital security is a special breed. It ranks, in the hierarchical structure that is modern medicine, somewhere between MRSA (Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus, [a drug hesistant staph infection]) and Nationalized Healthcare. Security doesn't exactly fit into the grandiose picture of patient care that doctors, nurses and administrators have in mind when they decide to go into the healing arts. Guards don't add anything to the bottom line and consume one hundred times their body weight at staff picnics and potlucks. Doctors despise them, nurses are afraid of them and Risk Management doesn't sleep at night knowing they have the keys to every door in the building. So why, you might ask, do hospitals have security guards? I don't have a straight answer for you. Maybe we all like to take a certain amount of risk and have inherently self-destructive tendencies. Maybe it helps those who have succeeded, to have an example of what could have been if a single gene had spiced left when it should have gone right. Whatever the reason, hospital security is here and it would take a whole lot of jelly filling to get them to leave.

All this was on my mind in 2003 when I decided to infiltrate their ranks and find the answers to these and many other questions. I would bravely enter the under belly world of power trips and cholesterol to get to the root of this highly secretive and close-knit fraternity. Like Hunter S. Thompson and Robert Young Pelton before me, only more dangerous and dynamic, I vowed to blend in, investigate and report what I found behind the polyester wall of silence.

The two years that followed would change my life and my waistband forever. I would come to know real fear, insatiable hunger and a power unfit for mortal humans. In the realm of fake tickets and yellow strobe lights, there is no room for error. A rent a cop can smell a cheap imitation from a mile away and you better be ready to consume donuts, lots and lots of donuts. If you hesitate, even once, your cover is blown. If I've learned one thing from my time in security work, it's that you should never underestimate a man with a plastic badge and a real set of handcuffs.

Olfactory Confessions

A writer can only write so long without mentioning the biggest part of his or her life. For some writers this luming presence is a thought or an idea. For others, this gargantuan spectre is a childhood event or tragedy. What ever this humongous, gigantic, or enormous thing may be a writer can never be fully content or understood until he or she has dealt with it in real and honest terms. Shakespeare, for example, it is believed, wrote many of the tiny words seen at the bottom of TV commercials before he was able to slay his giant. "Irritable Bowl Syndrome" was not his best work, but it was a brutally honest portrayal of a terrible affliction. When it premiered, people were shocked, even appalled, but its therapeutic value for William can not be underestimated. Lost to time, this disturbing play opened the door for such great works as "Hamlet" and "Romeo and Juliet". For Shakespeare it was IBS, for me, as for most Taylor's, it's my nose.

My name is Paul Taylor and I've got a really big nose. If you don't have one or live with someone who does, you can't possibly understand what I go through. Just try to imagine, what its like to have your other senses deadened because your sense of smell is so strong; or never being able to turn your head and walk through a doorway at the same time; or wondering if today is the day your neck will give out from the sheer weight of the thing! Yeah, doesn't sound so fun now does it, you nosist pig? It's always "Mommy, mommy I want a big funny clown nose too!" Until your neck gives out and you find yourself face down on the sidewalk, too exhausted to lift yourself, and your dog is having its way with your leg while school children gather around and laugh. I can live with these things, I've done it all my life, it's the people I care about who suffer most. My poor wife can't kiss me without tying herself down to something solid, just in case, during a moment of passion I inhale too deeply.

It's not all bad though, I have my good days too. We all have handicaps. Some of them just happen to be more visible than others. Just because my handicap walks around in front of me yelling "Here I am big and bulbous blah...blah...blah!" doesn't mean I'm not petite and cute as a button on the inside, like a little Swiss ski jump. And, we all know it's the cute little Swiss ski jumps on the inside that count.

My name is Paul Taylor and I've got a really big nose.

Toaster Wars

[Que Star Wars Music]

NaNaNa NAAAAAA NA NANANA NAAAAAA NA NANANA NAAAAA NA NaNaNa naaaaaaa

Long Long Ago,
In a galaxy far far away......

So, this isn't MySpace and you have to use your imagination a little...Get Over It! We can't all afford the very best of everything can we? Some of us have to make do with what we've got and, well, this is the best I've got (A couple of nana's in upper and lower case letters is all you're going to get and you should be thankful for that!). This generation makes me sick, you all have to have surround sound in Dolby digital; flat screen televisions and toilet paper. In my day, a couple of nana's would send us through the roof, but not you whiners, you won't poop without four-ply, triple quilted, downy scented squares of cloudy soft shame.

Anyway, I'm getting a little side tracked. I was perusing my last post and realized I hadn't really said anything about our marriage and this is, after all, a marriage blog...Imagine my embarrassment! So, I thought I should amend this disgusting oversight immediately.

You see, Jess and I recently got married and that entailed moving all of our stuff into the same general location. This, from an outsiders perspective, might seem pretty easy...and they would be right, it is easy! To my relief moving in together went very very smoothly...almost too smoothly. In fact it wasn't until we were unpacking the last box that we realized the challenge, nay, the evil twist of plot, that lay before us. We had not one but two toasters! Now the simple minded might say "Great! We can have twice as much toast!". But not us, no, we took this minor kink in an otherwise perfect move and blew it way out of proportion.

My toaster was sleek, new and shiny, the Ferrari of toasters really; and Jess' toaster was, well, old. She said something about classic and sentimental value but all I saw was a beat up old toaster. She said "I've had this toaster a long time and I'd like to keep it!"

I've been wearing this underwear a long time too, I thought, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't change them if someone offered me a shiny new pair. But, she seemed determined, so I changed the subject and snuck my toaster onto the kitchen counter when she wasn't looking. Problem solved, I just knew she'd forget all about Barney Rubble and his toaster once she had given my dream toast making machine a try! The plan seemed fool proof until she noticed my toaster on the counter. "Hey!" She said, "I thought we agreed to keep my toaster!"

Uh Oh, I thought, not only has my planned failed, but my memory is failing too! Dumbfounded, I said something about looking over there and ran into the other room.

For weeks, both of us refused to use the others toaster. Until Jess brought it to my attention that our behavior was immature and ridiculous. So, because I hate to be immature and ridiculous, we put our thinking caps on and tried to come up with a compromise. "I know!" I said eyes narrowing, "We could have a toast off!"

And so the stage was set. We demonstrated the highlights of our treasured machines; we tasted each others toast; and glared at each other. Until finally, after my toaster had clearly won and she obviously looked away first, we were right back where we started. Worn out, tired and exhausted we sat defeated on the kitchen floor. Just then, Seth, our brother-in-law, knocked on the door. "Let's let him take which ever toaster he wants!" Jess said, a little too enthusiastically. "Okay", I said nonchalantly, my exterior was like a pond of serenity but my insides quivered like a new born llama on meth. I just knew he was going to pick my baby and I would be without my Lamborghini of English muffin heaven.

When Jess presented him with the idea he shrugged, picked up Jess's toaster and walked out the door. "That's easy" he said, "I'll take the classic!"

Suddenly, my toaster looked cheap and plastic. Something you might find in Walmart while my brother-in-law walked out with a treasure beyond melted butter. "Are you sure you don't want the new one?" I asked hopefully.

"Nah," he said, "the old ones always make better toast."

New Era

Okay, here we go, my first blog ever. I'm embarrassed to say that all previous blogs have been the contribution of my beautiful and linguistically gifted wife. She not only writes funny, charming, and dare I say provocative blogs, but she lets me bask in the credit of their creation (and if you haven't seen a full grown, 200 pound male of the species, with hair like a gorilla on Rogain, "basking", then you haven't lived!). What a Woman! And, while this is one tremendous perk of being married to such a talented vixen, I think its time for me to hop off the old free ride to blogger infamy and strike out on my own. She shouldn't have to bare the burden of always coming up with the cute, funny little stories that lighten the unbearably mundane lives of our two blogger groupies (whose very happiness, dare I say existence, is intrinsically tied to the tectonic action of her comedic prose).

Yes, I know you crave her stuff; but us Lilliputians of the literary world need our voice too. Like Michelangelo's little brother Jimmy, its time for me to step out from behind the giant shadow cast by "big brother" and sculpt... That's right sculpt. If not the "David" then perhaps the "Tooth Pick Log Cabin" or the no less challenging "Clay Mountain". What ever form this ill advised expression of inner turmoil takes, you can rest assured that it will be pure and tortured. Because, what I lack in talent, charm and good looks, I make up for with determination, the ability to fart on command and hair every where but the top of my head. Thats right folks (and by folks I mean the two of you), this blog has entered a new era, if not for the better than at least its new and that, my pudgy little Internet scavengers, is all any of us can ask for.

P.S.
My wife tells me it's not a good idea to insult the readers (rookie mistake).

A Yoga Conundrum

Our original intent was to keep a journal of our first year of married life, but now, months later you have only march 15th to thank for your reading pleasure. Fortunately for you July 31st was last night and since every knows that is Mid-Year Resolution Day, August 1st gives you an update. Bring out the heavily inflated yet biodegradable non wildlife-killing balloons and ticker tape, lots of melt in-the-rain ticker tape.

Since we like to think of ourselves as an outdoorsy couple we thought a few camping trips would be necessary to keep that reputation alive. Our most recent consisted of a Friday night drive to Maroon Bells and Snowmass outside of Aspen, a sleep at the conundrum trial head, a curious wake-up by a Porsche-driving lap-dog commanding over-outfitted man (who said, as he was donning a long-sleeve tech tee over his already sun-screen coated arms, to his disobedient dog, Cosmos, "I am your Master."), a heavy exhausting 8.5 mile wildflower-covered hike up a couple thousand feet in elevation, a treeline nook for our tent and our goal: natural hot springs. Oh, did I mention the natural part? Not quite sure to what degree he considered himself a naturalist but one particularly leather-tanned dude was void of threads and full of yoga-like movements which he proudly performed on the grassy knoll next to the hot springs and only during audience-filled intervals. I don't know if he was going for amused or awed but he got the former. We retreated the next day, cutting our time in half on the descent but traffic doubling it on the road, and then, finally, non-freeze-dried food and a clean shower.

Paul is currently unaware of my re-design or my resolution so i may leave the next informative update to him. (And hopefully that will be before Last Quarter of the Year Resolutions or we will be rounding up to a full year with a whole 3 updates for our friends and fans.)