Toaster Wars

[Que Star Wars Music]

NaNaNa NAAAAAA NA NANANA NAAAAAA NA NANANA NAAAAA NA NaNaNa naaaaaaa

Long Long Ago,
In a galaxy far far away......

So, this isn't MySpace and you have to use your imagination a little...Get Over It! We can't all afford the very best of everything can we? Some of us have to make do with what we've got and, well, this is the best I've got (A couple of nana's in upper and lower case letters is all you're going to get and you should be thankful for that!). This generation makes me sick, you all have to have surround sound in Dolby digital; flat screen televisions and toilet paper. In my day, a couple of nana's would send us through the roof, but not you whiners, you won't poop without four-ply, triple quilted, downy scented squares of cloudy soft shame.

Anyway, I'm getting a little side tracked. I was perusing my last post and realized I hadn't really said anything about our marriage and this is, after all, a marriage blog...Imagine my embarrassment! So, I thought I should amend this disgusting oversight immediately.

You see, Jess and I recently got married and that entailed moving all of our stuff into the same general location. This, from an outsiders perspective, might seem pretty easy...and they would be right, it is easy! To my relief moving in together went very very smoothly...almost too smoothly. In fact it wasn't until we were unpacking the last box that we realized the challenge, nay, the evil twist of plot, that lay before us. We had not one but two toasters! Now the simple minded might say "Great! We can have twice as much toast!". But not us, no, we took this minor kink in an otherwise perfect move and blew it way out of proportion.

My toaster was sleek, new and shiny, the Ferrari of toasters really; and Jess' toaster was, well, old. She said something about classic and sentimental value but all I saw was a beat up old toaster. She said "I've had this toaster a long time and I'd like to keep it!"

I've been wearing this underwear a long time too, I thought, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't change them if someone offered me a shiny new pair. But, she seemed determined, so I changed the subject and snuck my toaster onto the kitchen counter when she wasn't looking. Problem solved, I just knew she'd forget all about Barney Rubble and his toaster once she had given my dream toast making machine a try! The plan seemed fool proof until she noticed my toaster on the counter. "Hey!" She said, "I thought we agreed to keep my toaster!"

Uh Oh, I thought, not only has my planned failed, but my memory is failing too! Dumbfounded, I said something about looking over there and ran into the other room.

For weeks, both of us refused to use the others toaster. Until Jess brought it to my attention that our behavior was immature and ridiculous. So, because I hate to be immature and ridiculous, we put our thinking caps on and tried to come up with a compromise. "I know!" I said eyes narrowing, "We could have a toast off!"

And so the stage was set. We demonstrated the highlights of our treasured machines; we tasted each others toast; and glared at each other. Until finally, after my toaster had clearly won and she obviously looked away first, we were right back where we started. Worn out, tired and exhausted we sat defeated on the kitchen floor. Just then, Seth, our brother-in-law, knocked on the door. "Let's let him take which ever toaster he wants!" Jess said, a little too enthusiastically. "Okay", I said nonchalantly, my exterior was like a pond of serenity but my insides quivered like a new born llama on meth. I just knew he was going to pick my baby and I would be without my Lamborghini of English muffin heaven.

When Jess presented him with the idea he shrugged, picked up Jess's toaster and walked out the door. "That's easy" he said, "I'll take the classic!"

Suddenly, my toaster looked cheap and plastic. Something you might find in Walmart while my brother-in-law walked out with a treasure beyond melted butter. "Are you sure you don't want the new one?" I asked hopefully.

"Nah," he said, "the old ones always make better toast."