Breaking up with my chiropractor

He just doesn’t know it yet.

I start by practicing all the infamous lines. “It’s not you, it’s me.” “You’re a great guy, just too good for me.” “I just can’t see myself in this for the long haul and why waste any more time, we’re not getting any younger.” Who am I kidding, though? If I was being completely honest I’d tell him, “Look dude, you and your staff stress me out and at this time if my life where Zoloft is a distant memory, because I certainly don’t want to contribute to any possible birth defects, I need to cut out stressors and you are one of them. It’s also hard because I loved my last chiropractor before he up and moved back to Philadelphia to help his wife with her ailing parents. Parents, Schmarents.

I know some of you will be the first to guffaw and say Chiropractors are quacks, but let me add that I’ve gone to several, at various periods in my life, since I was 5 years old and to me they to make a difference. Maybe I’ve been certifiably brain-washed but I like them (usually) so get over it and just read my story because if you didn’t like them already, you won’t after this.

I was told about Dr. T a couple months ago by a co-worker of Paul’s. We were given the impression that One: he took our insurance and Two: he specialized in pre-natal chiropractic care, as attested by the co-workers wife during her first two and now currently third pregnancy. Two is true but One, well, when he asked what my insurance was, and I told him, he made a face and sarcastically added, “Oh, we love them” I didn’t catch the sarcasm until I asked, “Oh, really?” to which he replied, “Uh, no.” Strike one. Strike two was a slower reveal: his front office staff. I’m fairly reasonable when it comes to professionalism in the work place. I like a friendly atmosphere and don’t want office drones handing me my paperwork and charts so I let it go the first day. Assistant #1 garbed in droopy tattered khakis, an ill-fitting baggy shirt and a lacy sweatband, aerobic style, holding back her unkempt hair led me to an exam room where she made me watch a video on subluxations (I’ve seen these types of videos thousands of times) “Well, you haven’t seen this one so we just need you to watch it first.” She comes back 15 minutes into the already mind-numbing presentation and says, “Whoops, wrong one, you’re supposed to watch the 8 minute one.” So what does she do? Makes me watch the 8 minute one. She comes back a little while later and proceeds to interview me. Apparently it’s a new questionnaire they had me fill out ahead of time so it’s taking her longer than usual to get through it. She says things like, “Oh, I’ll skip that bit” and “Uh, um”. A lot. After the grueling process, which seems to have absolutely no affect whatsoever on the care I receive in the following days she releases me to what I refer to as the torture room. The main room in Dr. T’s practice is filled with tall metal contraptions with ropes and belts and steps and chairs and kitchen timers. It looks like it was conceived in the ‘50’s and hasn’t been updated or cleaned since its birth. People are tied up in a variety of positions in what is referred to as “traction”. Timers go off at random intervals and the entire scene is sound-tracked to loud repetitive praise and worship music. There is a time a place for praise and worship music and in my humble opinion, a place where you’re painfully immobile for at least 8 minutes at a time is not one of them. The whole scene is very unnerving and I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into. Eventually the assistant directs me to one of four adjusting tables by the front window where everyone and their dog can walk past and see your spine being skillfully manipulated. Dr. T does a muscle test on me, performs a few minor adjustments and starts into his first of many soliloquies on the merits of chiropractic care during pregnancy due to all the “relaxin” in the body. He asks me to come back in a couple days, bring hubby and bring back my x-rays at which time he’ll review them. You can’t just look at them now Dr. T? I wanted to say. I thought the whole point of making an appointment was to get all the initial introductions of my spine out of the way. Nope, times up. Come back in a few. Turns out his sales pitch is saved for a later date.

I come back with Paul a couple days later where we’re led to a different room and I’m forced to re-watch the longer video, (I’ve already seen the first 15 minutes, remember?) the last bit filled with patients giving their testimonies. What sales pitch video is complete without the testimonials? At a certain point you forget what they’re promoting: a timeshare? a Tempurpedic mattress? a weight-loss drug? They all become one, which is when Paul and I add our juvenile banter and Mystery Science Theater type voice-overs. After the video finally finished, as if on cue, Dr. T stands at the doorway and leaps into the room like a motivational speaker onto his stage. This dude has waaaay too much energy. He delves deeper into his subluxation and pre-natal relaxin speech as well as how important it is to receive care even though insurance companies only cover so much. Yeah, we get it. We’re looking at out-of-pocket expenses. Quit trying to convince us and just get to the bottom line. The more a salesman delays at getting to the price the higher you know its going to be. It’s almost like he’s trying to convince himself its worth it. He finishes up, adjusts me and as we start to leave Dr. T stops us. He says, “Paul, do you mind if I give you a blessing?” I’m thinking, ok, maybe this guy is just really religious and wants to recite a quote or something. Paul says, “I don’t say no to blessings.” Dr. T pulls out what looks like a check-book and writes one out for $200. Paul and I look at each other incredulously. He slips it into an envelope with some ceremony and hands it to Paul. We look at it after we leave. Turns out he wrote it to himself, it’s towards an initial exam (for Paul) and only good till the end of the month (15 days from now). The truly weird part is: On the back of all their hours of operation business cards is a coupon which states “Come in or bring a friend for a free initial exam” So the whole writing of the check was just another ploy of a salesman. Not cool Dr. T. I trust you less and less.

So I was willing to overlook all the weirdness. If this was really going to help me and, as Dr. T so eagerly added every time he saw me, how much easier it was going to make my labor in the end then I was all in. Now I just wanted to get to the bottom line of how much this all was going to run me, but that, I discovered was something you did with his financial office assistant or whatever her title was, who, turned out to be more elusive than their minimal hours of operation. So, a couple weeks later I finally was able to get into the office when both the doctor and financier were in. I had missed a few days by this point. It was harder for me to make it to their open hours than I initially thought. I was further reminded that I was missing important adjustments with phone calls and voice messages of “relaxin” from the good doctor himself. Oh, sure, lay it on me with a healthy dose of guilt. Something I don’t already struggle with in various avenues of my life. So, one morning, after getting off a 3am shift the same day, I promise myself I’m going to get there before they close at noon. My exhausted self trudges out to the car, scrapes it out, sans scraper (where is that damn thing?), from under the layer of ice from the previous night’s snowstorm and heads into town. The check engine light comes on. Oh, perfect, what next? I make it into town on slick and snowy roads calling ahead to make sure they’re even open. A young man mumbles into the phone that yeah, they are. I’m greeted by the same young man, in faded t-shirt and jeans who has me sign in. He hands me someone else’s chart. I hand it back saying, “This isn’t mine,” he says “Are you sure?” I reply, “Yup, fairly certain my name isn’t Tatiyana.” So, we’re back to Strike Two. This time it’s revving up to be a major unforgiveable strike two. He hands me the correct chart and I head to the first torture chair of the day. The neck stretch. Those of you who know me, know the Incident of the Summer of ’04. My neck is a sensitive subject and I don’t trust it into the care of just anyone. Dr. T assures me this is the best thing for it. I sit through 10 minutes of torture while a sweaty stained chin strap is pulling my head up with 10 lbs of weight and another is pulling my neck forward with a separate 10 lbs. Dr. T needs to look at my x-rays for the 4^th time before he can tell me what my next torture position will be. I had left all my x-rays at his request the last time so he could have this figured out already but alas he had not. One of his minions happily sets the envelope down on the table. I pick it up. It’s too light. I had brought in every x-ray ever taken because he’d asked me to. I open up the envelope. There is only one small one inside. I start to panic. Where are the rest? I tell an office person I’m missing some x-rays. Again, they ask, “Are you sure?” (Why do they keep asking me that?) They retreat and come out empty handed. “That’s gotta be your only x-ray” “Nope, it’s definitely not. I brought in over 50.” A different person goes back this time. She comes back smiling, “There you go, it was filed under your maiden name” (I never gave them my maiden name.) This envelope is still too light. I hate to burst your triumphant bubble you sloppy dressed half-wit but I’m still missing some. “Are you sure?” We go through this exchange 3 more times before I have, what I hope, is all of them. How the heck did they all get separated? They try to laugh it off but I’m no longer in any mood to be jolly. I’m turning into grumpy pregnant lady. Dr. T looks them over again and says he knows which position of traction I need. This time it’s my turn to ask, “Are you sure?” He instructs mumble-voice-jeans-and-t-shirt dude to tie me up. I balk the entire time. He pulls the strap tight around my abdomen and I cry out. “This is way too tight, PS that’s a baby in there, not straight up fat.” He looks up at Dr. T and in the whiniest voice a young guy can muster, “Dad? I don’t know if I’m doing this right, maybe you should do this.” OH GREAT! This kid is his son! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I’m trusting the future of my spine and my fetus to this kid. Dr. T, ahem, his dad, comes over, takes one look and says, “Looks fine, you’re doing good.” Hey, listen Doc, I’m a person here, not a craft project! I was so close to losing it. I wheeze out some therapy breaths, thank you Dr. May, and survive the 8 minutes. I get adjusted and since finance gal was finally in, I decide to get the money talk over with once and for all. Is this going to be the difference of putting my kid in an actual nursery or a dresser drawer? I had been told several times by Paul’s co-worker, that Dr. T was great at working with your budget. So far, I had yet to feel this phenomenon. Finance gal hands me the “5 month care plan” and I about choke. It’s equal to a little over six months of rent, two years of car payments or putting a Sleep-Number bed in every room of the Brady Bunch’s house. I try to compose myself. A hormonal deluge of tears are lapping at the floodgates. I ask if there is any sort of way to work out payment plans. She says, “Oh sure, we work with two credit companies that run a credit check and they can break it down to lower payments.” A credit check? For a chiropractic care plan? No flippin’ way. I’m already dealing with the skeezy car salesman of the past summer who ran my credit, twice. I eke out a, “Let me think about it.” I gather my x-rays and walk out the door. Strike Three. I’m out. I make it to the car before calling Paul, releasing the floodgates and formulating my break-up plan. Here’s what I came up with:

"Dr. T, it's you. Not me."